If I Were a Boy.. I tried Being a Man

Just found out that
the baby that isn't yours
has your last name,
you told me that if the tables
were turned
and it was me
you'd still do the same.

Also said that I made you feel
like less of a man
growing closer to the ground
told me the last feeling
you ever remember having was
"As long as she don't find
the right one,
she'll keep me around"
And all I can do is turn my smile
upside down

at this painstakingly true revelation.
Even though you put me in control
of our relationship
I wanted to be a dictator of all nations.
Steady popping off at the mouth
running my gums
I ran you away
right into another womans arms.

And all I can say is
I apologize,
for the falsified truths,
games, and lies,
for thinking I was better than you
instead of being proud
of my prize.

I'm sorry for wearing
the pants, hats, and the boxer briefs
Trying to be the man
brought you all the grief,
Trying to be the woman
bringing you all the beef

soon as you walked through the door
I'm going through your phone
Calling everybody else
if you wasn't at home.

Checking texts, phone bills,
and social websites,
Playing Inspector Gadget
when you fell asleep some nights.
Soaking up all the praise
and putting you
in a bad light.

And all I can say is
I apologize
for making a grown man cry
While you were in love
I was trying to be fly

in all the clubs
cheating, having one night stands
and if anybody asked,
I never had a man.

The roles were reversed
I was living a bachelors lifestyle
Drinking, screwing, doing whatever I wanted
just being hella wild...
Pushing you to her,
Laughing cause I don't even know
this hoe name,
all I know is she took my place
and now shit just aint
the same.

But sorry aint enough
to get you back in my grasp
I started loving you,
when you stopped loving me
and now you don't even want my black ass

Trying to think of what a man would do
if he were in this situation,
but a mans thinking is what got me in this place and
I'm tired of acting like a little boy,
I'm ready to wear a womans heels
and if that means washing, ironing, cleaning
and preparing all your meals.
I'm down,
I'm just sick of acting like a man
Tired of looking like a clown,

trying to play the role of Oscar
when I'm not gonna win it,
I'm stepping out of character
so you can step in it.
I tried being a man,
But the clothes aint fit,
and If I were a boy,
I wouldn't be shit
so, please accept my apology
in the form of a letter,
I tried being a man,
but i realized,

you do it much better.

Love Chronicles: Mirror Mirror

*cues Kelly Price Mirror Mirror - My remix*

Was looking for love, and never could find it

while he's standing there but

I was so blinded

by the gold in his grill,

When I looked at this nigga

I saw a house a house and 3 meals,

Kids, cars, vacations, and a dog....

smh.. yes, yes, once upon a time I was one of those girls. But you know, I'm growing up now and that thug appeal.. it's no more. I mean sure, the tatts, the muscles, the charm, oh the smiles, the feeling that you will be protected while with this man, and the FANTABOLOUS SEX! will be missed, and even craved from time to time, but when I meet guys now, I'm more into trying to figure out the odds of me having to bail him out of jail, how likely it is that he'll live past the age of 30, and if I'm gonna have drama with hoochies. And best believe if I have any kind of ill feelings whatsoever that man is dismissed! And while the whole "bad boy" thing isn't completely out of my system, I think more rationally now, and I dnt give a damn how much my pussy need a pounding like an opponent in a Mayweather fight... I won't set myself up. Those types of men rarely commit, they don't reserve the right to call themselves men, and I'm probably NOT gonna be the only woman in his life(cuz a man with good dick, is a man that rarely keeps it to himself)...

With all this being said... I'm falling for a nerd. More specifically my math tutor *dreamy eyes*... I've never dated a guy my age before. And he's my age. He's so awesome! I mean genuinely terrific! It's been 3months! We've only been together for a couple of weeks, but dated for 3 months I should say, and lemme tell you, he has a job, loves his mama, is pursuing a collegiate education in computer science, wants to attend Howard for grad school, and I can hold an INTELLIGENT conversation with him.. and he makes me laugh, but he's so corny he's cute, always showering me with affection(i'm still getting used to this) opens all my doors, MAKES ME SANDWICHES.. foot massages, dates multiple times a week, his cell phone isn't always blowing up. Low haircut, pants pulled up, belt, I've never heard him use the word nigga, bitch, or hoe. He speaks proper english, no gold teeth, earrings, or tattoos.. Damnit! I GOT THE NEXT BLACK PRESIDENT!! *sigh* My grandmama would be so proud.

I really like this guy, he's working out with me b/c he wants me to be happy with myself, his mom packs me lunches when she makes theres(I know.. i know.. that's what I said, she's too nice), I'm always over for dinner, nice family.. Perfect 10! He's quiet, timid even, but can be assertive so I don't just walk all over him, he tells me no(but I told him not to get too used to that) and he enjoys being with me, told me I make him laugh and he's glad i'm not as timid as he is(opposites attract right?) Oh.. and he was a virgin when I met him *clears throat*Don't judge me, we waited.. for a lil bit... But I mean,  I like him so umm, why wait? And I dnt feel horrible about it, cause he is a FREAK! .. ok i quit. lol

Bottom line, ladies, the greatest things come in the most unlikeliest packages! I was looking for love, and you know where I found it? At school in math tutoring.. go figure? Finding a man at school?? Where they do that at?? lol. j/p I'm just ecstatic! I got me a good black man who has goals, a plan, and isn't afraid of commitment.  SCORE!

^^^ And this is what I won't ever do again ;)

Hmm, so yeah

I sincerely apologize for blowing up your spots with all these extraneous posts this early in the am.. and so close together. It's just one of those nights, I'm going through some thangs, and I need to breath...

Love Chronicles: You Don't Have To Lie to Kick It

But that's exactly what you're doing and Mr. Yessir believe me when I say that I do NOT under any circumstances do liars! I told you from jump that I was gonna be completely honest with you, and not hide anything because that's not my character. And for you to lie to me about something as simple as you going to college... oh buddy, that's trifling. You lying to me about your educational status tells me two things 1) You like to take the easy way out and 2) You must feel like what you have already is not enough for me, so u make up lies to try to make it enough.. That is not cool. If what you have is not enough and you are not content with you, then you need to correct that for you and your child. Don't sit here and make up some shit because you want to impress me. Not only am I not impressed with your lies I'm turned completely the fuck off!

You sir are twenty-damn six years old. You need to grow the hell up. Ugh, I'm disgusted....

Where are all the REAL men? I'm tired of the posers, and the liars, the super intelligent but incredibly dumb brothas, the bitch made niggas that pop off more than bitches, the "man I'm still blaming the government for my tired ass" guys, the "bitches aint shit, fuck romance" niggas, the "I'm a ladies man... an all loving, can't limit myself to one lady" man. I'm tired of the "school aint for me, I wanna be a rapper" type dude, sick of the "God is number one in my life, so have a cup of religion and then lets fuck" hypocritical ass dudes. So sick of the "I don't date black women cuz they have attitudes" cop out brothas and just straight FED THE FUCK UP WITH MAMA'S BOYS!

I just want a man that will at least try to understand me, recognize that it's the little things that matter the most, like a kiss on the forehead, random walks around the neighborhood, a well planned dinner at home... flushing the toilet... you know simple shit! Ugh! Where are the men that can respect the fact that I have goals? The men that can understand the reason for my independence? The men who realize that I'm tough because I've never had a REAL MAN in my life to protect me from lifes dangers. The men who want to be my knight! Who says "You want to be married by the time ur 25? Well lets set a date for April 14, 2015 and we can say our vows at 11:59"..... At 19, I should be at the PRIME of my dating career! I should love it, love flirting, love giving out my number, and love smiling in a mans face... but foreal. I don't want to even think about a guy approaching me.... Sad to say, but really now when guys flirt, I give them much attitude and the "nigga I don't wanna hear it" tone, because I've just ran into entirely too many trifling ass guys. And I really don't wanna be a bitter old bitch. But I'm just sooo tired of meeting trash...

Where is the justice in love???

The Pregnancy Pact....

Really how stupid can u get???

Anybody that knows me.. knows, that I am NOT an advocate for teenage parenthood AT ALL! AND I DO NOT EVEN DEFEND THE ACTIONS OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS OR CLOSE FRIENDS.. IGNORANCE IS IGNORANCE! PERIOD!!!! I have 18 damn nieces and nephews biologically, and about 5 nieces and nephews from my closest friends... I'm 19.. my friends are the same age. I'm the only one in school, with a car, and my own apt... smh.

They actually have the nerve to be living with their parents and not even in a relationship with their babies daddies.. How trifling!! Do you really think I would've made a pact to end up like that?? HELL NAW!

So somebody please tell me: WHAT THE FUCK 17, 15 YEAR OLD CHILDREN thought they were gonna do with babies in high school?? HUh? can ANYBODY answer that question?? If that isn't the most TRIFLING thing I aint neva heard! And oh Lord, if I was the parents of them girls I would be kicking ass! A pact?? A mothafucking pregnancy pact?? Like seriously you have no other life goals? Your main frame of mind is a child at 15??? Lord be a vessel, and some common sense for them heffas!

As a 19 yr old female.. there is NOTHING in me that wants to have a child, even when I was younger, and lonely, and unloved I never wanted a baby to fill that void. Not even when my closest friends found themselves knocked up.. I was never envious, or anxious for that matter to trap a man by having his babies... I always said that when I had a child I was gonna be mentally, emotionally, and financially ready to have a baby. So it really hurts my heart to see such young girls looking at life as a game that you play. Not taking it seriously.. Planning a "family" on their parents income. And potentially ruining their childs future. They have nothing a offer a baby.. not even time, especially if they plan on finishing their high school education or they strive for a post secondary one.

And their parents??? I would be a lie if I said that I didn't think their parents should have made them get abortions. Those children would be a lot better off with the Good Lord then they would be with those immature and naive babies! This documentary was disgusting on so many levels! And I cannot believe that these so called children are supposed to be our future. I'm appalled and ashamed. I guess those little girls never knew how it felt to grow up alone and without, so why would they consider the futures of their children??? Tonight before I go to bed, I'm going to thank GOD for giving me good sense, and for loving me while I was learning to love myself....

Bare w/ me please....

:( {sad faces because I feel I haven't lived up to my blogger potential}... with the start of the new semester, I find myself pressed for time.. Never one good with time management this is hazardous to my social life... Also, I work everyday, and I have homework(spanish, math, and poli-sci) on an everyday basis. So the time that I used previously to blog and surf the net has now gone out the window...

So seriously I deeply apologize for not being able to stalk your guys blogs like I would like to, and in that case write my own damn blogs.... However, with the purchase of my new video camera I will be doing a lot of vlogging, because it's quick and easy to upload, so I hope you guys don't mind the Vlogs I will be posting until I get into the groove of things.. If for some reason you can't see the vids I'm posting b/c ur using a phone or work computer or whatever please let me know and I promise to try my best with translating them into written blogs for you all to enjoy....

I would like to end this blog by asking you all to pray for me.. These last two semesters have been rough for me in their own little ways and I really need to get some GREAT grades this semester in order to be successful as a college student... Not only that, I'm also prone to being depressed for various reasons throughout the school year when under a lot of pressure.. Anyway.. I need to get back to my homework.. probably will be up till midnight or later doing it.. so I need to get on it now... And please you guys.. just bare with me for a moment and I'll be back together in no time ;)

2 mins of groaning.. a lifetime of moaning ;)

Sooo...

I got my clit pierced....
Felt like an amateur went down on me and bit me accidentally... for two seconds..
Sting.. and then... ok you're done. Took every bit of 5 mins and 50 bucks. Guy was so gentle I tipped him..
Can't test it out for another 4 weeks.. so he says.. but umm, I plan on getting it in SOON as I find a brotha worthy of the goods. I'm hoping this is a good investment.. if not oh well.. I'll still have the experience.

Any other ladies got their hoods pierced?
Fellas how do you feel about women with vaginal piercings? Sexy? Erotic? Or not for you?
Ladies have you ever thought about getting one? If you have one what was ur reason? how is the experience so far??

A quote I fell in love with ;)

MAYBE some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them." ~Sex and the City

I owe you guys an apology!

I AM SOOOOOO SORRY!

OVER THE BREAK I HAD NO ACCESS TO THE INTERNET OR MY BLOG!!!!! and i'm not computer savvy enough to do this from my phone! So my apologies for not responding to your guys comments and for not commenting yours!!!!!!!!! Hope all your holidays went well! ;)

Love Chronicles: Letter to my Ex-es, Currents,Stalkers & Potential Lovers

Dear *Insert name of butt buddy here*
*Sigh* Negro, MY LIFE does NOT revolve around you! Please stop texting me at midnight asking me to come over so YOU can get some! UMMM, NIGGA NO! The dick peen aint THAT damn good! I'm trying to get my beauty rest, I gotta work and SCHOOL IN THE MORNING, and u blowing up my damn phone so YOU can get your itty bitty dick noodle wet! AND it's cold outside.... *presidential side eye* get your life right BEFORE I have to cut you....eeek

THEN you have the nerve to always be calling me asking what I'm cooking, can I come cook for you, bring you something to eat, and etc, etc, etc... *sigh*eyeroll*lipsmack combination* We just FUCKED! I'm not your girlfriend, your wifey, your baby mama, your jumpoff, sideline, crazy broad, and whatever else u niggas are calling chicks that you have frequent relations with. Once again WE JUST FUCKED! The only benefits you will receive from just a fuck, is a nut! Anything else is extra, unnecessary and NOT in my job description. *swag face* You don't mean shit to me, I don't have any sympathy for you, or any obligations to you. You're nothing more than a peen attached to a half of a brain and a nice body.... We clear yet?? GOOD!

Dear *Inserting the names of a few of my Ex boyfriends here*

Stop telling me that you miss what we had.... I was 14,15, 16ish and I did not take you seriously...at all! Like, theres a reason why we aren't together!!! And with this distance between us, we probably aint gonna get back together any time soon! As soon as I get my degree, I'm going to GRAD SCHOOL in another STATE! FAR FAR AWAY FROM KANSAS!!! Where do you fit in? I don't love u enough or at all, to try to make shit work out from a distance, i would rather start anew! I mean if things are meant to be, then it will be, but I aint holding my breath about it. I mean it's cool, and I'm flattered and all that yall think about me like that, and yall wanna get back with me, but honestly unless we were like really tight, it aint gonna happen. And some of yall i had "irreconcilable" differences with... There's no bouncing back from that. But it's cool, we can still be friends ;). I wish you nothing but the best <--- well second best, cuz we all know I AM THE BEST *chuckles*.

I'm just saying stop crying over effing spilled milk, there aint NOTHING we can do about it. The girl for you is out there somewhere, it's just not me. And nobody took your place, you each have ur lil corner of my heart or something, but u just don't have my heart. And I apologize if ur feelings are hurt b/c u felt like we had something "special" but it wasn't that special. We still cool though??? Right?

Dear *Insert name of persistent bum ass fool here a.k.a Stalker*

I bought a can of mace today...just for you.
And I will use it!
Get a hint, you can't come over, stop calling, stop texting, and stop popping up randomly at my house. After I graduate from the mace I'm moving up to a 22. Malcolm X said "By all means necessary, but In the words of Jigga Man "Don't let the necessary occur".
We clear on that??? GOOD!

Dear *Insert name of interests, Aspirants, potential boyfriends, lovers, and friends*

If you must step to me, do it correctly.Respectfully, charming, and original.  
Quite frankly I wanna be impressed. Dick size doesn't impress me, size of bank account doesn't impress me, your shoe game, bling-bling, cars... and etc, doesn't do shit for me!
Quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, be able to keep up with a convo about Americas current Foreign Policy, aspire to do something other than rap, sing, play a pro sport, or sell drugs, and then we can talk. Please don't come to me and you don't have anything working for you....or if your not working. If we can't NEVA chill at your house cuz "somebody always there" lose my number, if I always gotta pick YOU up...lose my number. If you plan on ur 3 hots and a cot coming from me...lose my number. I don't have any children, and I aint looking to adopt yours..lose my number! Don't be salty about the shit, i'm just keeping it real. I'm grown, and if you can't compliment me, as well as I compliment you, don't even ask for my name.

Hope these tips helped you out.
Love, Mo

"Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

If you MUST have a Holiday Party

Make sure that extra mothafuckas don't show up. That means TELL YOUR INVITED GUEST NOT TO INVITE THEIR FRIENDS! Makes for an uncomfortable situation... well if your me it does. *sigh* So I attended my friends Pre X-Mas party or whatever... anyway I checked the guest list 3 times before I left the house and once before I started this blog because there are certain people that they hang out with that I don't, and I'm the type of person..if I don't like you, I don't want to be around you PERIOD unless it's for business reasons, otherwise I catch a really STANK attitude.. *eyeroll* continuing... Well I checked the guest list and their lil slut ass friend was NOT invited...PERIOD! However, she came anyway. My guess is that our mutual friend *The Vegetarian PeaceKeeper* Invited her over.....

*crickets*

Now mind you.. there aint no secret that I do NOT like this girl, so for one of my friends to invite her to a holiday party that she was NOT invited to and not even inform me that they were extending an invitation to this maggot rabbit is completely beyond me! They know damn well I don't tolerate shit like that. And to add fuel to the fire this uninvited bitch had the nerve to bring her friend.... *blank-stare*

I'm so overdone by the shit... I left 10 minutes after I got there. Dropped off the cookies that I bought on the way over there mind you, and I said by goodbyes... I know, some people will say, "Well why did you let her make you leave?" yeah this goes beyond her. The party started at 8:30 I didn't get there till damn 10 something, and when I walked in these mofos was playing Nintendo 64... Mind you.. we're all 19-25... smh. I was just so done. A lil upset that I took a shower, wrestled with my mane(and being a Natural Beauty aint easy), picked out something cute to wear, bought some cookies, and scraped the frost off my car at 10 pm to go to a damn party for 15 mins.. My nostrils are so flaring right now.. I was so mad I went to Sonics. *eyeroll* I'm an emotional eater, I can give u a reason for everything I've eaten since last week. I only eat when I'm mad or sad... If I'm happy I can go for days without a meal.. yes crazy I know, but it's the truth. I need to work on that! *Sigh* anyway, I've calmed down a bit. And you know it's not that this girl showed up, it's that no one told me she was coming. They know I have to mentally prepare myself for situations like this, cuz I'm that chick that will sit back in a corner and talk about you to yo face and act like I didn't know you heard me.. I'm serious about that too. They are always pulling shit like this. Having me come over to cook for a "getogether" telling me who all coming, then inviting all these EXTRA mofo's that I don't care for to come eat the meal that I've prepared with love.... I absolutely hate it! And I wish they would stop doing that shit. Oh well, I'm declining invitations to all parties and get togethers for the rest of the year now.

Blast from the PAST! <-- Year that is ;)

Hey!

So, not a fan of New Years resolutions. To me they just say that "oh I'm gonna wait to the new year to do this" when, you can do it now, because nothings stopping you. *kanye shrug* I'm just saying. So instead of making new years resolutions I reflect back on my past year and I say "What could I have done better?" after all, I'm a go getter, and when my mind is made up, it's made up, therefore no sense in a resolution.
So this year, I've decided that I could have taken better care of my HEALTH... This was my first "official" year of college, and lemme tell you... I went overboard with the snacking!!!! OMG! My school - Wichita State University is the HOME of the ORIGINAL Pizza Hut! Kinda cool right? 1 dollar breadsticks! Oh my!!!
But not cool, b/c I completely disregarded my health filling my face with Pizza Hut, Chik-fil-A and Taco Bell on a DAILY basis because these fast food restaurants are all on campus at our student center. You can only imagine since I'm taking 15 credit hours and I work on campus, that's where I spend the majority of my time.. smh.

So to shorten things up I wanna look like the pic on the right by the summer time! No, no, no, this aint a self hate thing this is a - Diabetes runs rampant in my family, and i'm predisposed to being chunky already cuz my ppl from the south and all my Anties look like line backers for the Pittsburg Steelers- type thing. I only choose this picture of Miss Jia <-- click on link for website--> because we are similar in body types and the pic I had of self that looked similar to this showed some nippage... Besides, lets not front, her body is BaNGING! I figure since I'm a realist I'm gonna definitely have to change my eating habits.. I mean, I'm a southern belle living in the midwest, and I kid you not, my Grandparents were slaves! Needless to say I grew up on chitlins in July, sweet potatoes, ham, dressing, and macaroni on a regular ass Tuesday.. Fast food was seldom seen in my household. My stepmother, Nana, and MawMaw got down in the kitchen! And as much as I love my culture, and soul food, it's just not healthy for me. My 22 year old brother was diagnosed with Diabetes when he was just 14. and lemme tell you that boy aint nothing but sticks so I have no doubt that it can surely happen to me if I don't make a change...
So, off that tangent. I need a workout and a nutrition plan to put these wheels in motion.
And finally, I could have found more benefiting ways to spend my cash. As much as I worked last year I hardly have anything to show for it. :( ... I'm a girl that likes nice things and as I said before...when my mind is set, it's set! I have 5 more tatts totally 7. A couple of expensive ass bags(Coach, Dooney,Guess, Rosetti) that I'm advertising for FREE, and tons of frigging SHOES! It's just ridiculous. I splurge on unnecessary things. I guess now that I'm older I wanna acquire all the things I didn't have growing up. Lets just be real, I went from Payless to the Coach Catalog soon as I got a job, and that can't be good! I mean I realize it's ok to want, own nice things but only if those things are in your budget. And I would be a damn lie if I said that I didn't own a purse that cost more than my rent... Yes sad I know.
So I've decided I'm gonna get a second job and just save up. There is so much that I want to do! And my number one goal is to TRAVEL! Yes, I totally believe my mindset and my potential is to great for Kansas, so as soon as I get my degree I'm bouncing to South Carolina(My mind is already made up about it). But before I do that, I wanna see the rest of the country, and other countries and i can't do that if I'm flat broke! lol, so I figure, all my necessities are taken care of at this moment. The only thing to do now is save. ;) Feel free to give me tips on how to lose weight, eat better, save money, and just all around be a more useful person! ;)

Sex should NOT be Taboo!

So yes it's 5am and I am wide awake. Aint been to sleep yet, so why not write??? It's my gift! I have a right to use it...
Anyway so let's talk about S E X!o_0

I mean really, it's a subject that can't be avoided, and quite frankly.. I like to talk about it ;)

I'm single, very single, been single for a minute, and the reason being for the most part is if I choose to screw you on the first date, just know... I DON'T LIKE YOU! I hold out for guys I'm digging b/c the worst thing a man can do is give me a bad dose of penis... After that, there aint no bouncing back and I don't give a damn about your intellectual capacity, the fact of the matter is you can't fuck <-- I meant please me, and that's all I need you for. During our date, I will determine by your conversation and mannerisms what kinda guy you are. If you are the type that will leave a girl fiending or if you will leave a girl thinking. If I think you might be worth taking a tumble in the sack with then I'll do that. If you impress me, you can be my maintenance man, if you don't well you got to go. I have friends to hold intelligent conversations with, I have guys to date, people to buy me shit, I don't need you to do any of the above. Knowing your role is what it's called, and boo if you can't outperform the last then your understudy ass got to GO!
Now if I genuinely feel you to be an intelligent person, whom I can hold a conversation with, hang out with, take you home to the fam and all that good stuff, then don't expect any cookie ;). Not saying that I don't think you'll be able to give it to me right, just saying that I think you'll serve a more fruitful purpose in my life than ole Jody. That's just the way the cookie crumbles.
Call me whatever you like, but I'm a realist, and good dick don't make a guy relationship material. Honestly you can tell by a mans conversation if he's relationship material, but just b/c he might not make the best person to talk religion with, does not mean he's not good for making you speak in tongues *ASHAMALAYAMAKA* And believe me, I'm not turning down any potential chance to speak in other languages.. I like to think I'm a bit cultured.
But for the most part I think that society has blacklisted sex in the worst kinda way. I mean really, most people are absolutely appalled by the fact that I have one night stands and booty calls! They just cannot believe that a woman is treating guys like guys treat girls and I do so with no conscience, and no remorse. Honestly I believe that if women weren't stuck with labels like: hoe, slut, whore, and etc - more women would not be afraid to explore their sexual desires, disconnect their hearts from their vags and leave a bunch of guys STUCK ON STUPID!

That whole "women mistake sex for love" bullshit is just a defense mechanism used by most women because society says "if your screwing a guy you are not in love with you're oversexed, disrespecting yourself and you need to be put on a chain" oh well FUCK whoever feels that way. Times have changed, and though I'm not promoting promiscuity in any way, shape, or form, I'm a firm believer in GETTING YOURS! Just make sure you wrap it up. AIDS and STDs are just as much of a reality as SEX is.

Love Chronicles: Operation Cold Turkey

Everyone has their drug of choice, mines just happens to be a living, breathing, selfish motha sucka.. *sigh*... But you know what? I think it comes a times in every addicts life when they realize that their drug isn't so healthy for them, so then the next step is....

Treatment... But me, I'm too embarrassed to go to any "Im in love with a thug" meetings. What am I supposed to stand up in front of everybody and proclaim:

"Hello, my name is Modia, and I'm trying to leave this street nigga alone" or "Hi, I'm Modia, and I love an ex-con".....

yeah so none of the above scenarios are ideal to me. So what do I do? Well, I quit his ass COLD TURKEY! I've already deleted his number out my phone(which don't help much, b/c it's etched in my memory, but still it's a step) and I've just decided that I'm through with him!!!

I mean really? True love shouldn't hurt this much. It's not supposed to I'm sure of that, and I just can't live my life trying to prove to any man how much of an asset I am to him...it just doesn't make sense.

Now does this mean that I wish him harm? NO
Am I gonna quit praying for him? NO
Do i hate him? Absolutely NOT
I still care a great deal for him, and only time and space will remove the traces of him from my memory...hopefully, but I'm not gonna keep walking the streets fiending, and searching for a hit of HIM. He's destructive to the mass that once was me. Whenever he's around I completely lose myself, and I just wanna live for him. There would be nothing wrong with that except, he's not my husband, and he doesn't wanna live for me.

As much as it pains me that I can't have him, I'm going to be okay. Ultimately who's really losing out on a good thing? And I'm not gonna sit up here and make a list of what I have working for me, and what not b/c it's not about that. When it comes to matters of the heart- achievements, goals, material things, and wealth doesn't matter. Nothing matters except what you're willing to do to make things work. But love is a 2 way street. And I'm fed up with walking down this dead end.

I'm prepared for the withdrawals, I have my organic grapes(subbing for cookies and cream ice-cream, I'm on a diet) and lunchables on deck for when I feel the need to "eat" my problems away. My bottles of water and gatorade(giving up on the liq) and my chick flicks, for those nights that I just wanna blindly dial his number, and when I go home...well, I'll think of something, I've never been the type to be riding by folks house all damn day trying to see if they home or not, and I'm not gonna start now(that's that crazy chick shit). i just think I'll be cool, preoccupy myself with friends and family, enter quietly, and exist just as silently.

I'm gonna try to avoid him as much as possible. Which aint THAT hard, I just have to learn self restraint. It's hard for me to mask my feelings and emotions, I'm an expressive person, I guess I'll have to learn to be stoic to deal with him. *shrugs* it's life right? I just wish it didn't have to come to this. Me attempting so hard to pretend like he never even existed, and him probably not even giving a fuck. But then again, what drug actually cares about its clientele? When the last time a rock of crack asked a crackhead how his/her day was going???

My point exactly.

'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?”