If I Were a Boy.. I tried Being a Man

Just found out that
the baby that isn't yours
has your last name,
you told me that if the tables
were turned
and it was me
you'd still do the same.

Also said that I made you feel
like less of a man
growing closer to the ground
told me the last feeling
you ever remember having was
"As long as she don't find
the right one,
she'll keep me around"
And all I can do is turn my smile
upside down

at this painstakingly true revelation.
Even though you put me in control
of our relationship
I wanted to be a dictator of all nations.
Steady popping off at the mouth
running my gums
I ran you away
right into another womans arms.

And all I can say is
I apologize,
for the falsified truths,
games, and lies,
for thinking I was better than you
instead of being proud
of my prize.

I'm sorry for wearing
the pants, hats, and the boxer briefs
Trying to be the man
brought you all the grief,
Trying to be the woman
bringing you all the beef

soon as you walked through the door
I'm going through your phone
Calling everybody else
if you wasn't at home.

Checking texts, phone bills,
and social websites,
Playing Inspector Gadget
when you fell asleep some nights.
Soaking up all the praise
and putting you
in a bad light.

And all I can say is
I apologize
for making a grown man cry
While you were in love
I was trying to be fly

in all the clubs
cheating, having one night stands
and if anybody asked,
I never had a man.

The roles were reversed
I was living a bachelors lifestyle
Drinking, screwing, doing whatever I wanted
just being hella wild...
Pushing you to her,
Laughing cause I don't even know
this hoe name,
all I know is she took my place
and now shit just aint
the same.

But sorry aint enough
to get you back in my grasp
I started loving you,
when you stopped loving me
and now you don't even want my black ass

Trying to think of what a man would do
if he were in this situation,
but a mans thinking is what got me in this place and
I'm tired of acting like a little boy,
I'm ready to wear a womans heels
and if that means washing, ironing, cleaning
and preparing all your meals.
I'm down,
I'm just sick of acting like a man
Tired of looking like a clown,

trying to play the role of Oscar
when I'm not gonna win it,
I'm stepping out of character
so you can step in it.
I tried being a man,
But the clothes aint fit,
and If I were a boy,
I wouldn't be shit
so, please accept my apology
in the form of a letter,
I tried being a man,
but i realized,

you do it much better.

Shades (Inspired by Wale - Shades)

 
Chip on my shoulder
big enough to feed Cambodia
Spent countless nights
Crying over ya.

Cuz you didn't like me,
and I didn't love me,
While they ignored me,
Called me a darkie..

See, it's a cycle that
continuously repeats
like a washing machine
on the spin cycle
But I won't put my skin
through a rinse
and end up like Michael
Living my life trying to convince

You,
that I love myself.
But who am I trying more to convince
You, them or myself?
Sliding down the pole of life
after my Brothers sent me
to collect dust on the bottom shelf
Only able to toss me around
so carelessly
Because he hates his own self
Listen how History repeats itself.

Willie Lynch must find happiness
In his grave.
Smiling and laughing
afterall his flawless plan
suggested that
Hundreds of years after
the freedom of the Black Man
WE would still be slaves...
And I quote..
"On the top of my list is age,
but only because it starts with an A,
the second is color"
Or dare I say shade...
And all this information
can be found in the
"Willie Lynch Letter: The Making of a Slave"

So I would to take this time to apologize
I'm not a "yellow bone"
All petite and thin.
I'm sorry that my hair aint long and silky
like Caucasians are my next of kin.
I'm sorry that blackness covers
the outside of my shins.
But most of all I'm sorry that
You idea of beauty
ever made me feel that
My Blackness was a Sin.

My Black is BEAUTIFUL.
And I say this no matter the shade.
I'd feel the same way
If my complexion were honey
Or If I were black as a spade.
So I apologize sincerely
that you can't show me affection
Because you're put off by my complexion,
But baby this is how I was made.

So from a dark skin sista
to my black men
Shade doesn't matter
True beauty comes from within.
Honey brown, caramel,
toffee or Pecan
Shade really shouldn't matter
We're a rainbow of people
and we've been like this
since time began.

Dear Mama Pt 2

Dear Mother,
I just wanted you to know
That today you made me proud.
And I’m truly ecstatic of the fact that
I am your child.

Today marked the first day
Of my life
That I’ve seen you sober,
The first day of me seeing you in your right mind
Glad to know that
Your days of getting high are now over.

My prayers have been answered
Through the darkest hour
Our Heavenly Father has carried your weary body
And soothed your aching feet,
When that monkey was on your back
He made him take a seat.

Dear Mama,
Today I was proud to introduce you to my boyfriend
And say, “This is my mama”
“Don’t we look like sisters?”

You’re no longer a “crackhead”
Or a fiend, or a ghost or witch
Your now a Recovering addict
And I’m proud of that shit!

It’s been 18 years of you hitting that pipe
But I’m glad that you’ve changed
And now you’re getting it right.

Mama,
I’m here for you
It’s gonna get rough some days
Just know I’m one call away
Just one phone call away.

P.S…..
I love You

Dear Mama

Dear Mama,

I just wanted you to know that
I HATE YOU!
And that,
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
But I really wanna know why
You chose a crack pipe,
Instead of your children’s life
And why you can’t get some act right
And be apart or our lives.

How can you abandon me?
Your only girl…
Born April 15, on an Easter Sunday
Just five days before your own birthday.
Was I not precious enough?
Did I cry too much at night?

I survived all the shit
You put me through
Even while I was still in the womb.
All the drugs and alcohol,
That you continued to consume
While carrying me.
I’m a living miracle.

How could you hold me in your arms
This little bundle of joy
And then discard me,
Like I was nothing more than an old toy.

You layed down
You fucked
You created me,
Then you don’t want to step up
And take care of YOUR responsibility.

And how could you just let my life
Turn out the way it did.
Why didn’t you just get the DNA test,
To find out if I was really his kid?
Instead of just putting me off on his bitch ass
And having me grow up thinking that I was lesser than trash.
Because believe me when I say everyday of my life
He made sure I felt that way.

I couldn’t believe it when you told me
That I was self-absorbed.
After I told you that my daddy
Was molesting me you did nothing
Didn’t even take an initiative to get clean.
And when I told you my cousin was touching me
You did the same thing.
And when I told you I hated you
You said “I never knew you felt that way”
You didn’t know cause you were never fucking around.

Always making promises that you can’t keep mama
I never got a fairytale or a lullaby from you
To put me to sleep mama.
I blossomed from an ugly duckling to a Swan
And you missed every important developmental step in my life

You won’t see me the night I go to prom
You never saw me on the night of any of my dances
You never combed my hair
Or cooked me meals.
You won’t see me walk across the stage this year.
You missed my whole life…
Every birthday, every holiday…

Did you have any idea that I wrote poetry,
Or that sometimes I cry at night
Because I want to know why
You don’t love me.
Or how many times I blamed myself
For your addiction.
Did it ever dawn on you that
I just might need you…

I’m not asking you to write me a poem
Like BSavvy did for her daughter,
And I’m not asking you to buy me Beamer,
Like those spoiled kids on MTV…

I just want you to know me…
I just want you to love me…
I just want you to be there.

Dear Mama…I’m still your daughter..

P.S… I love you

Love Chronicles: To All The Boys

To all the boys I loved before,
I put you in my past
you're just another closed door.
Doors that I refuse to reopen
but now I have no choice
because behind those closed doors
are the traces of a little girls voice.
I say traces cause I can hear
her voice in different places
Behind this door,and that door
and all those different faces.
Faces of my past
of loves that didn't last.
All the nights of meaningless sex
and of a girl growing up way to fast.

To all the boys I lusted before
who took away my innocence
and left me sore.
Laying on a wet pillow.
Wet from the tears that I've cried
remembering my past
my past of loves that didn't last
and of a little girl growing up way too fast.

So this poem is addressed to
all the boys I sexed before
who left me in lust
feeling like a little whore.
The ones who made empty promises
of a life filled with bliss,
and the next thing I know
they had me marked as dismissed.

The ones who sexed me real good
and real bad
the ones who had the nerve to get mad
cause I wouldn't give them what they really wanted.

The ones who would sex me all night,
until the next day,
turn around and tell me
I wasn't pretty anyway..
Well guess what....FUCK YOU!

I'm telling you now I opened all of them doors
searching for the little girl
that I'm not anymore.

I finally found her within.
So I took her by the hand
and I took her to a land.
to a time when she was never
loved and lost, and then loved again.
And I apologized to her for
loving and lusting, and sexing all of them men.

To all the boys I've loved before
thank you for making me realize that
I am so much more.
I am beautiful no matter what you say.
And my time to love will come one day.

And to the little girl I lost along the way
I'm sorry for what I did
I'm sorry I took away your chance at life
and your chance to be a kid.

So right now I'm making this vow to you,
the next man I love will love me too.

Sincerely,
A Broken Heart

Just A Screw (The Liberated Womans Anthem)

Yes I do wanna fuck you
and it's not because I'm a freak or a hoe
But because I am a young woman
with a vagina
And I like to be pleased
100% satisfaction guaranteed.

And I have hormones
just like the next bitch.
And if you can't please me right
I'll jump to the next dick.
And if you need help getting it up
I'll gladly get down to suck it,
because when it comes to the bedroom
I'm just your average chick.

And please don't come at me
as if I'm the evil villian
because you figure that
I have no feelings
because in all actuality I do,
I just don't have any feelings for you.

I'm offering you a deal
you simply can't refuse
unless of course your homosexual, gay,
or you just like to fuck dudes.

A one night stand
with absolutely no strings attached
Don't call me, I won't call you.
I don't want you to be my man
a relationship with you
is not in the plan
Boo....
Don't mean to be rude,
But you are just a screw!!!

Like another pair of shoes
that I've worn and abused,
but I still bring out for special occasions.

You'll be just another guy
who had his eye on the pie
thought you were playing me
and ended up like all the other guys...

straight fucking confused
because you thought I was kidding
when I blatantly stated
That you my dear,
Are just another screw!!!!

Not looking for a boyfriend
a male friend, or a companion
I'm looking for a one night stand
with no strings attached
but I'm no one's fool
so yes you MUST strap...
Up, cause I don't get down like that!

And oh, I failed to mention
that two is always better than one,
so if you got a cute friend
you'll be in for hours of fun....

But I'm gonna tell him
like I just told you,
don't be looking for love
Because YOU ARE JUST ANOTHER SCREW!!!!!



~Naughty Modie~

Ghosts, Skeletons, and Goons

Vivid images of my mother walking away
Replay in my mind
Night and day
The tricks she turned
The tips of her fingers burned
From that pipe
That she interminably
Hit….daily

And my cousin
Making me perform acts
Of fellatio on his 11 year old dick
When I was only five
Threatening that if I ever told
He would bury me alive

And more thoughts of my father
Kissing me
And grinding me
And looking at me
Too sensuously,
Too seductively
Too much like I was a woman
His woman

I grew up in the dope house
Cause my daddy was a dealer
And my mama was…. shit still is the fiend
So I never knew love
And I learned not to be seen.

When I go to sleep
I dream
About my evil stepsisters
And yes there were two,
But I also had a wicked stepmother too.
I used to read a lot to escape this cold hard world,
Growing up I was a very isolated little girl.

I was easily manipulated and deceived
Maybe even a little naïve
To think that all households
Were ran like mine.
All parents were like mine.

I got taunted and tormented
Nearly drowned because she
Sat on my head,
Nearly died because the other one
Tried to suffocate me with a pillow
While I was asleep in my bed.

Traumatized by life at an early age
But I was imprisoned in my own home
Constantly locked up like an animal in a cage

The mental, physical, sexual and emotional abuse
That I suffered through
Only proved to make me stronger
And more resilient
Than the rest
My strength and sanity have surpassed;
The most trying of tests.

But I will never play the victim
I’m a Survivor like Destiny’s Child
I just want a nice night of rest
Every once in a while

But the boogie man of my life’s past
Is waiting to take me
Under my bed,
And the ghosts of my former life
Are fucking with me
Perturbing me inside my head,
And skeletons are rattling in my closet
Making noise at all hours of the night
Got me scared
Shaken with fright,
And when my eyes finally do slam shut
It’s already daylight…

So it’s…

Another night
Of tossing and turning
Afraid of sleep
Because ghosts
Of my past
Haunt me unceasingly

By:Modia Evans

Hip Hop Revelry

Hop onto the Hip-Hop express
Make sure you dress to impress
Let ya chain hang low
And wear yo freshest
Sneakers
It’s a hip-hop party
And I’m the guest speaker.

Misogynistic lyrics
And what you would normally call video vixens
I call them half naked chickens
Walking around with a piece of dental floss
Stuck up their ass
The directors should really pay them a little more
So than maybe they would go buy themselves some class.

And all these rappers
Rapping about everything they’re NOT doing
Glamorizing the thug life in their rented Beamers and Phantoms
Acting like drug money bought they mama that million dollar house
In the Hamptons.
When it was really their record sells
Then you get arrested for “Pushing It”
But you can’t give the artist formerly known as William Roberts
That’s Rick Ross to you,
A call and see if he gonna post your bail.

And let me not forget that
Everybody’s favorite rapper is lil wayne,
But when he got pulled over in Arizona it wasn’t just weed,
He was also riding dirty with an ounce of cocaine

The drug that was the demise
Of the African American community in the first place
And he’s all up in his tour bus
Shoving it all up in his face.

Allowing themselves to be puppets
Sending subliminal messages through songs…
That’s right I said puppets
Because they are allowing their masters to string them along

Messengers turned into Mimes
As soon as they hit the big time
Their life stories and struggles lost value,
And simply turned into a rhyme.
If we as Black American’s continue on the same path
And let some of these idiotic baboons continue to
Fill our head with this trash
All for the sake of making some cash
I would say pitiful,
If you had bothered to ask.

Telling our men it’s okay to be pimps, and thugs
And devaluing our women’s self worth
Convincing our children it’s okay to sell drugs
It’s payback because we’re living hell on earth.

All of this negativity
Surrounding the Hip Hop cultures festivities
Maybe it’s not as great as we perceived it to be.

Never the one to bite my tongue
I’m going to say what needs to be said
If this is as good as we can do then
Hip-Hop might as well be dead!

By: Modia Evans

Thunderstorm

Let’s make a thunderstorm,
You be the lightening
And I’ll be the rain,
Why don’t you send sparks throughout my body?
And I’ll leave wet drops all over you…

Let’s make love
In that thunderstorm
In front of the fireplace
That is ignited by our kisses,
We keep it burning with our passion,
And it doesn’t die down until we
Cum down from our ride to heaven
Pure ecstasy written all over our faces…

In the heat of the night,
In the midst of the storm
Let’s create a lasting memory,
Of us together,
Making it rain…

Lashes

They are way to pretty to belong to any man.
But they do, they belong to you.
So long and silky.
Beautifully following the shape
of your big brown oval eyes.

When you blinked
I could've sworn I saw them
sweep your cheek.

And I wondered at that moment
if you knew how they
had captivated me so

Soft they looked from where i stood
Took every muscle in my body
not to reach out and touch.
Your lashes.