Love Chronicles: Operation Cold Turkey

Everyone has their drug of choice, mines just happens to be a living, breathing, selfish motha sucka.. *sigh*... But you know what? I think it comes a times in every addicts life when they realize that their drug isn't so healthy for them, so then the next step is....

Treatment... But me, I'm too embarrassed to go to any "Im in love with a thug" meetings. What am I supposed to stand up in front of everybody and proclaim:

"Hello, my name is Modia, and I'm trying to leave this street nigga alone" or "Hi, I'm Modia, and I love an ex-con".....

yeah so none of the above scenarios are ideal to me. So what do I do? Well, I quit his ass COLD TURKEY! I've already deleted his number out my phone(which don't help much, b/c it's etched in my memory, but still it's a step) and I've just decided that I'm through with him!!!

I mean really? True love shouldn't hurt this much. It's not supposed to I'm sure of that, and I just can't live my life trying to prove to any man how much of an asset I am to him...it just doesn't make sense.

Now does this mean that I wish him harm? NO
Am I gonna quit praying for him? NO
Do i hate him? Absolutely NOT
I still care a great deal for him, and only time and space will remove the traces of him from my memory...hopefully, but I'm not gonna keep walking the streets fiending, and searching for a hit of HIM. He's destructive to the mass that once was me. Whenever he's around I completely lose myself, and I just wanna live for him. There would be nothing wrong with that except, he's not my husband, and he doesn't wanna live for me.

As much as it pains me that I can't have him, I'm going to be okay. Ultimately who's really losing out on a good thing? And I'm not gonna sit up here and make a list of what I have working for me, and what not b/c it's not about that. When it comes to matters of the heart- achievements, goals, material things, and wealth doesn't matter. Nothing matters except what you're willing to do to make things work. But love is a 2 way street. And I'm fed up with walking down this dead end.

I'm prepared for the withdrawals, I have my organic grapes(subbing for cookies and cream ice-cream, I'm on a diet) and lunchables on deck for when I feel the need to "eat" my problems away. My bottles of water and gatorade(giving up on the liq) and my chick flicks, for those nights that I just wanna blindly dial his number, and when I go home...well, I'll think of something, I've never been the type to be riding by folks house all damn day trying to see if they home or not, and I'm not gonna start now(that's that crazy chick shit). i just think I'll be cool, preoccupy myself with friends and family, enter quietly, and exist just as silently.

I'm gonna try to avoid him as much as possible. Which aint THAT hard, I just have to learn self restraint. It's hard for me to mask my feelings and emotions, I'm an expressive person, I guess I'll have to learn to be stoic to deal with him. *shrugs* it's life right? I just wish it didn't have to come to this. Me attempting so hard to pretend like he never even existed, and him probably not even giving a fuck. But then again, what drug actually cares about its clientele? When the last time a rock of crack asked a crackhead how his/her day was going???

My point exactly.

'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?”