Look @ Me Now

Umm, I guess not as bad as I could be...considering
  I think I have some nice curves ;)
But still, we're gonna get toned up and beach ready ;)

Love Chronicles: Letter to my Ex-es, Currents,Stalkers & Potential Lovers

Dear *Insert name of butt buddy here*
*Sigh* Negro, MY LIFE does NOT revolve around you! Please stop texting me at midnight asking me to come over so YOU can get some! UMMM, NIGGA NO! The dick peen aint THAT damn good! I'm trying to get my beauty rest, I gotta work and SCHOOL IN THE MORNING, and u blowing up my damn phone so YOU can get your itty bitty dick noodle wet! AND it's cold outside.... *presidential side eye* get your life right BEFORE I have to cut you....eeek

THEN you have the nerve to always be calling me asking what I'm cooking, can I come cook for you, bring you something to eat, and etc, etc, etc... *sigh*eyeroll*lipsmack combination* We just FUCKED! I'm not your girlfriend, your wifey, your baby mama, your jumpoff, sideline, crazy broad, and whatever else u niggas are calling chicks that you have frequent relations with. Once again WE JUST FUCKED! The only benefits you will receive from just a fuck, is a nut! Anything else is extra, unnecessary and NOT in my job description. *swag face* You don't mean shit to me, I don't have any sympathy for you, or any obligations to you. You're nothing more than a peen attached to a half of a brain and a nice body.... We clear yet?? GOOD!

Dear *Inserting the names of a few of my Ex boyfriends here*

Stop telling me that you miss what we had.... I was 14,15, 16ish and I did not take you seriously...at all! Like, theres a reason why we aren't together!!! And with this distance between us, we probably aint gonna get back together any time soon! As soon as I get my degree, I'm going to GRAD SCHOOL in another STATE! FAR FAR AWAY FROM KANSAS!!! Where do you fit in? I don't love u enough or at all, to try to make shit work out from a distance, i would rather start anew! I mean if things are meant to be, then it will be, but I aint holding my breath about it. I mean it's cool, and I'm flattered and all that yall think about me like that, and yall wanna get back with me, but honestly unless we were like really tight, it aint gonna happen. And some of yall i had "irreconcilable" differences with... There's no bouncing back from that. But it's cool, we can still be friends ;). I wish you nothing but the best <--- well second best, cuz we all know I AM THE BEST *chuckles*.

I'm just saying stop crying over effing spilled milk, there aint NOTHING we can do about it. The girl for you is out there somewhere, it's just not me. And nobody took your place, you each have ur lil corner of my heart or something, but u just don't have my heart. And I apologize if ur feelings are hurt b/c u felt like we had something "special" but it wasn't that special. We still cool though??? Right?

Dear *Insert name of persistent bum ass fool here a.k.a Stalker*

I bought a can of mace today...just for you.
And I will use it!
Get a hint, you can't come over, stop calling, stop texting, and stop popping up randomly at my house. After I graduate from the mace I'm moving up to a 22. Malcolm X said "By all means necessary, but In the words of Jigga Man "Don't let the necessary occur".
We clear on that??? GOOD!

Dear *Insert name of interests, Aspirants, potential boyfriends, lovers, and friends*

If you must step to me, do it correctly.Respectfully, charming, and original.  
Quite frankly I wanna be impressed. Dick size doesn't impress me, size of bank account doesn't impress me, your shoe game, bling-bling, cars... and etc, doesn't do shit for me!
Quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, be able to keep up with a convo about Americas current Foreign Policy, aspire to do something other than rap, sing, play a pro sport, or sell drugs, and then we can talk. Please don't come to me and you don't have anything working for you....or if your not working. If we can't NEVA chill at your house cuz "somebody always there" lose my number, if I always gotta pick YOU up...lose my number. If you plan on ur 3 hots and a cot coming from me...lose my number. I don't have any children, and I aint looking to adopt yours..lose my number! Don't be salty about the shit, i'm just keeping it real. I'm grown, and if you can't compliment me, as well as I compliment you, don't even ask for my name.

Hope these tips helped you out.
Love, Mo

"Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

Dear B. Yung

 Dear B.Yung,
Will you marry me? No, seriously, will you? I LOVE your thought process, your pen, your pad, your spirit. Gosh, where are the black men that think like you?.. Not in KS. :(

Georgia Me: Niggods <-- She inspires me to keep believing in blk men

My favorite Poem ever!!!!

If you MUST have a Holiday Party

Make sure that extra mothafuckas don't show up. That means TELL YOUR INVITED GUEST NOT TO INVITE THEIR FRIENDS! Makes for an uncomfortable situation... well if your me it does. *sigh* So I attended my friends Pre X-Mas party or whatever... anyway I checked the guest list 3 times before I left the house and once before I started this blog because there are certain people that they hang out with that I don't, and I'm the type of person..if I don't like you, I don't want to be around you PERIOD unless it's for business reasons, otherwise I catch a really STANK attitude.. *eyeroll* continuing... Well I checked the guest list and their lil slut ass friend was NOT invited...PERIOD! However, she came anyway. My guess is that our mutual friend *The Vegetarian PeaceKeeper* Invited her over.....

*crickets*

Now mind you.. there aint no secret that I do NOT like this girl, so for one of my friends to invite her to a holiday party that she was NOT invited to and not even inform me that they were extending an invitation to this maggot rabbit is completely beyond me! They know damn well I don't tolerate shit like that. And to add fuel to the fire this uninvited bitch had the nerve to bring her friend.... *blank-stare*

I'm so overdone by the shit... I left 10 minutes after I got there. Dropped off the cookies that I bought on the way over there mind you, and I said by goodbyes... I know, some people will say, "Well why did you let her make you leave?" yeah this goes beyond her. The party started at 8:30 I didn't get there till damn 10 something, and when I walked in these mofos was playing Nintendo 64... Mind you.. we're all 19-25... smh. I was just so done. A lil upset that I took a shower, wrestled with my mane(and being a Natural Beauty aint easy), picked out something cute to wear, bought some cookies, and scraped the frost off my car at 10 pm to go to a damn party for 15 mins.. My nostrils are so flaring right now.. I was so mad I went to Sonics. *eyeroll* I'm an emotional eater, I can give u a reason for everything I've eaten since last week. I only eat when I'm mad or sad... If I'm happy I can go for days without a meal.. yes crazy I know, but it's the truth. I need to work on that! *Sigh* anyway, I've calmed down a bit. And you know it's not that this girl showed up, it's that no one told me she was coming. They know I have to mentally prepare myself for situations like this, cuz I'm that chick that will sit back in a corner and talk about you to yo face and act like I didn't know you heard me.. I'm serious about that too. They are always pulling shit like this. Having me come over to cook for a "getogether" telling me who all coming, then inviting all these EXTRA mofo's that I don't care for to come eat the meal that I've prepared with love.... I absolutely hate it! And I wish they would stop doing that shit. Oh well, I'm declining invitations to all parties and get togethers for the rest of the year now.

Blast from the PAST! <-- Year that is ;)

Hey!

So, not a fan of New Years resolutions. To me they just say that "oh I'm gonna wait to the new year to do this" when, you can do it now, because nothings stopping you. *kanye shrug* I'm just saying. So instead of making new years resolutions I reflect back on my past year and I say "What could I have done better?" after all, I'm a go getter, and when my mind is made up, it's made up, therefore no sense in a resolution.
So this year, I've decided that I could have taken better care of my HEALTH... This was my first "official" year of college, and lemme tell you... I went overboard with the snacking!!!! OMG! My school - Wichita State University is the HOME of the ORIGINAL Pizza Hut! Kinda cool right? 1 dollar breadsticks! Oh my!!!
But not cool, b/c I completely disregarded my health filling my face with Pizza Hut, Chik-fil-A and Taco Bell on a DAILY basis because these fast food restaurants are all on campus at our student center. You can only imagine since I'm taking 15 credit hours and I work on campus, that's where I spend the majority of my time.. smh.

So to shorten things up I wanna look like the pic on the right by the summer time! No, no, no, this aint a self hate thing this is a - Diabetes runs rampant in my family, and i'm predisposed to being chunky already cuz my ppl from the south and all my Anties look like line backers for the Pittsburg Steelers- type thing. I only choose this picture of Miss Jia <-- click on link for website--> because we are similar in body types and the pic I had of self that looked similar to this showed some nippage... Besides, lets not front, her body is BaNGING! I figure since I'm a realist I'm gonna definitely have to change my eating habits.. I mean, I'm a southern belle living in the midwest, and I kid you not, my Grandparents were slaves! Needless to say I grew up on chitlins in July, sweet potatoes, ham, dressing, and macaroni on a regular ass Tuesday.. Fast food was seldom seen in my household. My stepmother, Nana, and MawMaw got down in the kitchen! And as much as I love my culture, and soul food, it's just not healthy for me. My 22 year old brother was diagnosed with Diabetes when he was just 14. and lemme tell you that boy aint nothing but sticks so I have no doubt that it can surely happen to me if I don't make a change...
So, off that tangent. I need a workout and a nutrition plan to put these wheels in motion.
And finally, I could have found more benefiting ways to spend my cash. As much as I worked last year I hardly have anything to show for it. :( ... I'm a girl that likes nice things and as I said before...when my mind is set, it's set! I have 5 more tatts totally 7. A couple of expensive ass bags(Coach, Dooney,Guess, Rosetti) that I'm advertising for FREE, and tons of frigging SHOES! It's just ridiculous. I splurge on unnecessary things. I guess now that I'm older I wanna acquire all the things I didn't have growing up. Lets just be real, I went from Payless to the Coach Catalog soon as I got a job, and that can't be good! I mean I realize it's ok to want, own nice things but only if those things are in your budget. And I would be a damn lie if I said that I didn't own a purse that cost more than my rent... Yes sad I know.
So I've decided I'm gonna get a second job and just save up. There is so much that I want to do! And my number one goal is to TRAVEL! Yes, I totally believe my mindset and my potential is to great for Kansas, so as soon as I get my degree I'm bouncing to South Carolina(My mind is already made up about it). But before I do that, I wanna see the rest of the country, and other countries and i can't do that if I'm flat broke! lol, so I figure, all my necessities are taken care of at this moment. The only thing to do now is save. ;) Feel free to give me tips on how to lose weight, eat better, save money, and just all around be a more useful person! ;)

Sex should NOT be Taboo!

So yes it's 5am and I am wide awake. Aint been to sleep yet, so why not write??? It's my gift! I have a right to use it...
Anyway so let's talk about S E X!o_0

I mean really, it's a subject that can't be avoided, and quite frankly.. I like to talk about it ;)

I'm single, very single, been single for a minute, and the reason being for the most part is if I choose to screw you on the first date, just know... I DON'T LIKE YOU! I hold out for guys I'm digging b/c the worst thing a man can do is give me a bad dose of penis... After that, there aint no bouncing back and I don't give a damn about your intellectual capacity, the fact of the matter is you can't fuck <-- I meant please me, and that's all I need you for. During our date, I will determine by your conversation and mannerisms what kinda guy you are. If you are the type that will leave a girl fiending or if you will leave a girl thinking. If I think you might be worth taking a tumble in the sack with then I'll do that. If you impress me, you can be my maintenance man, if you don't well you got to go. I have friends to hold intelligent conversations with, I have guys to date, people to buy me shit, I don't need you to do any of the above. Knowing your role is what it's called, and boo if you can't outperform the last then your understudy ass got to GO!
Now if I genuinely feel you to be an intelligent person, whom I can hold a conversation with, hang out with, take you home to the fam and all that good stuff, then don't expect any cookie ;). Not saying that I don't think you'll be able to give it to me right, just saying that I think you'll serve a more fruitful purpose in my life than ole Jody. That's just the way the cookie crumbles.
Call me whatever you like, but I'm a realist, and good dick don't make a guy relationship material. Honestly you can tell by a mans conversation if he's relationship material, but just b/c he might not make the best person to talk religion with, does not mean he's not good for making you speak in tongues *ASHAMALAYAMAKA* And believe me, I'm not turning down any potential chance to speak in other languages.. I like to think I'm a bit cultured.
But for the most part I think that society has blacklisted sex in the worst kinda way. I mean really, most people are absolutely appalled by the fact that I have one night stands and booty calls! They just cannot believe that a woman is treating guys like guys treat girls and I do so with no conscience, and no remorse. Honestly I believe that if women weren't stuck with labels like: hoe, slut, whore, and etc - more women would not be afraid to explore their sexual desires, disconnect their hearts from their vags and leave a bunch of guys STUCK ON STUPID!

That whole "women mistake sex for love" bullshit is just a defense mechanism used by most women because society says "if your screwing a guy you are not in love with you're oversexed, disrespecting yourself and you need to be put on a chain" oh well FUCK whoever feels that way. Times have changed, and though I'm not promoting promiscuity in any way, shape, or form, I'm a firm believer in GETTING YOURS! Just make sure you wrap it up. AIDS and STDs are just as much of a reality as SEX is.

Love Chronicles: Operation Cold Turkey

Everyone has their drug of choice, mines just happens to be a living, breathing, selfish motha sucka.. *sigh*... But you know what? I think it comes a times in every addicts life when they realize that their drug isn't so healthy for them, so then the next step is....

Treatment... But me, I'm too embarrassed to go to any "Im in love with a thug" meetings. What am I supposed to stand up in front of everybody and proclaim:

"Hello, my name is Modia, and I'm trying to leave this street nigga alone" or "Hi, I'm Modia, and I love an ex-con".....

yeah so none of the above scenarios are ideal to me. So what do I do? Well, I quit his ass COLD TURKEY! I've already deleted his number out my phone(which don't help much, b/c it's etched in my memory, but still it's a step) and I've just decided that I'm through with him!!!

I mean really? True love shouldn't hurt this much. It's not supposed to I'm sure of that, and I just can't live my life trying to prove to any man how much of an asset I am to him...it just doesn't make sense.

Now does this mean that I wish him harm? NO
Am I gonna quit praying for him? NO
Do i hate him? Absolutely NOT
I still care a great deal for him, and only time and space will remove the traces of him from my memory...hopefully, but I'm not gonna keep walking the streets fiending, and searching for a hit of HIM. He's destructive to the mass that once was me. Whenever he's around I completely lose myself, and I just wanna live for him. There would be nothing wrong with that except, he's not my husband, and he doesn't wanna live for me.

As much as it pains me that I can't have him, I'm going to be okay. Ultimately who's really losing out on a good thing? And I'm not gonna sit up here and make a list of what I have working for me, and what not b/c it's not about that. When it comes to matters of the heart- achievements, goals, material things, and wealth doesn't matter. Nothing matters except what you're willing to do to make things work. But love is a 2 way street. And I'm fed up with walking down this dead end.

I'm prepared for the withdrawals, I have my organic grapes(subbing for cookies and cream ice-cream, I'm on a diet) and lunchables on deck for when I feel the need to "eat" my problems away. My bottles of water and gatorade(giving up on the liq) and my chick flicks, for those nights that I just wanna blindly dial his number, and when I go home...well, I'll think of something, I've never been the type to be riding by folks house all damn day trying to see if they home or not, and I'm not gonna start now(that's that crazy chick shit). i just think I'll be cool, preoccupy myself with friends and family, enter quietly, and exist just as silently.

I'm gonna try to avoid him as much as possible. Which aint THAT hard, I just have to learn self restraint. It's hard for me to mask my feelings and emotions, I'm an expressive person, I guess I'll have to learn to be stoic to deal with him. *shrugs* it's life right? I just wish it didn't have to come to this. Me attempting so hard to pretend like he never even existed, and him probably not even giving a fuck. But then again, what drug actually cares about its clientele? When the last time a rock of crack asked a crackhead how his/her day was going???

My point exactly.

'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?”

Happy Holidays!!!

Hey,
Just taking this time to wish everyone a HAPPY HOLIDAY! Though I myself do not celebrate Christmas and the likes I still recognize the day as a day for giving, loving and good eats! YUMMY!!!

To my new blogger fam, Thank you guys for welcoming me with such open hearts, open arms, and hopefully open minds(cuz lemme tell u now, I say and write some off the wall shit). I hope all of your guys Holidays are filled with love, warmth, and good spirits ;).

To my shallow and materialistic friends and family members:
I will get you a gift, because I know half of you don't have the sense to realize that my love cannot be perpetuated through anything of monetary value. My love does not have a price tag and I hope that you don't wait for Christmas just to judge me on the content of your gifts... <-- And I know at least one mofo gonna do that.
Needless to say I'm warning you now, it's a recession, I'm a college student and I'm living off my refund checks. My pockets bout as deep as Nicki Minaj's lyrical content, so don't be expecting NOTHING extravagant!!!
Can't say I didn't warn ya, so I don't wanna see no saggy faces come January.  *LOVES*

Memoirs of a Young, Selfish & Dumb girl...

There probably aint nothing I can say
To make this better.
Not a word or a poem to fill this void.
Not a novel, short story, or a letter
Could ever take the place of what I’ve destroyed.

So young, selfish, and just plain dumb
For thinking I could play around with temptation
And never be succumbed.

I thought I was invincible
Had been doing it for so long
Didn’t think that it would ever happen to me
But time has proven I was wrong.

So young, intelligent, and beautiful
I have the world in the palm of my hands
How foolish it was of I….
To be sleeping with another womans man.

You see,
I knew it could never work out
But I was just having fun,
I knew he wasn’t the marrying type
I knew he wasn’t the one!

I played a game with my life
Not caring who I hurt in the way
I knew what people said behind my back
But I didn’t care what they had to say…

I just wanted to have fun,
So naïve, so reckless, so young.

I’m sorry!

I truly am!
I never meant for it to happen this way.
I can’t even look myself in the mirror
I don’t eat, I can’t sleep, I won’t pray.

I reminisce on all those nights
Laying up in his arms…
Summer months he was keeping me cool,
Winter nights he was keeping me warm.

So young, such a fool, crazy in love with that man!
But I knew it would never work out
And having his baby wasn’t part of the plan.

I’m sorry! I can’t say it enough
Walking around acting all tough
Like I was a big girl
And he finally called my bluff.

I was playing with fire!
I knew I was gonna get burned,
But I was prepared for the flames I thought
I thought wrong…that’s a lesson learned.

Four months after I broke the news.
He called it quits on me.
Four months after he found out about you
He decided he just wasn’t meant for me.

Trapped between a rock and a hard place they say
Which way do I turn?
I wasn’t prepared to have a baby
There was still so much I had to learn!

I’m sorry, but what do you want me to do?
I wasn’t interested in being nobody’s baby’s mama
When I’m still a baby too!
He has an ex wife and two kids,
One of which is damn near grown.
He’s twice my age
Established in life
And it just all felt so wrong…

I’m sorry, but you were just not an option
Sure I had other choices, like raising you myself
Or even considering adoption.
But I’m young, selfish, and prideful…
That’s why no one ever knew…
Laying on that operating table wide awake
But it was something I had to do.

It was either have an abortion
Or have you living aborted.
Kept repeating to myself..
“There’s no way I can support it”

I don’t know if you were a girl or a boy
Who knows who you would’ve grown up to be
But I do wonder till this day.
Would you look like my lost love

Or would you look just like me?

Love Chronicles: The Sweetest Torture

Dear POTS(gonna stop callin u that soon, it's something like a self-fulfilling prophecy)

Boy do you realize just how much I love your crazy, selfish ass? I mean seriously do u know? Yeah u know. Whenever I pour out my feelings you can NEVER look me in the eye. You're afraid. ;) <--- But that's ok. I only want to protect you, not break your heart. I promise. I'll just lock it up in my soul for safekeeping.
Anywho, we just got off the phone( I absolutely adore our morning conversations, they really lift my spirits) but there is still so much I have to say to you. Funny b/c as much as I feel I can say to you, whenever we talk all the "important" things I was gonna say, or the prepared scoldings I withhold from you are all of a suddenly irrelevant, and we just kinda flow.
So, you're completely like the smartest idiot I know. :), Very intelligent, but you make some IGNORANT decisions. Boy I tell you, can lead a goat to some water but ya can't make em sip. <--- Oh I still love u though. So you asked me, why I'm still around. I gave you a really vague answer this morning, but lets cut to the chase. I'm around because:
1) You impress me, nevermind the fact that you don't have a degree and alladat, but u genuinely are intelligent regarding matters other than love.
2) You are the EXCEPTION and not the Standard, a different breed of guys as far as ur "occupation" is concerned, and from day one you've EXPECTED nothing but the BEST from me. Never tried to mislead me, or use me for personal gain, we've just always "been".
3) I see the potential in you that you don't even see in yourself ;). Lets use that Entrepreneurial spirit in ways that will lead you to retirement
4) We're more than what we even think we are. We're penpals, good friends, lovers, and Kindred Hearts <--- We're a lot of PLURAL, I'm trying to get us on a SINGULAR tip(Yes Love, that means ONE) ;) , Do yahearme?
5) Lastly, I didn't choose to fall in love with you. It just happened, and I'm kinda glad it happened... =), I love u enough to try and work through any hardships that may fall before us. But only if it's meant to be, so if after all this you still don't know WHY I'm still around then tell me u want me gone. I can't love nobody that don't want me to love them. I'm woman enough to move on without hating you, and acting a plum fool, I'll accept whatever fate GOD has in store for US. I'm just grateful for the chance to have ever been a special part of your life. *Muah*

Back to this "Sweetest Torture" thingy, b/c I've already had to explain it once, I'll do it again. Loving you is sweet. Having you is sweeter, but not being able to possess your heart(which don't belong to any OTHER woman btw) is torturous. It's like not eating for days and having a cupcake held up to your face and being told not to eat it. So close, yet forbidden. But not from me. I think it's funny that you are vulnerable, or more open to women that mean nothing to you. Yet when it comes to me, I get the "emotional walls". Pain is NEVER an easy feeling to deal with, and that's in ANY form. But when will YOU realize that I am not out to cause you suffering? Screw the cars, and the house, and the perfect career and alladat other CRAP that doesn't mean a thing when I die. The stuff that won't remember me when I pass, those material things, that cannot say anything about me besides how wealthy I was on earth. I want you, and your love for me to tell my life story. Our love could live on FOREVER through the legacy of our children, and grandchildren and etc... if we allowed it to. POTS ------> My Sweet Prince Of The Streets as strong as you are, as dependable,charismatic, intelligent, BEAUTIFUL. Your fear of CHANGE makes you WEAK! I AM NOT THOSE OTHER WOMEN! I do not care about your RICHES! Your cars, diamonds, houses or BLING! I'm able to see through the EXTERIOR therefore I LOVE the INTERIOR MORE!

I don't need you to grind to feed me, your money don't impress me none, I make my own cash. I aint like them, you say you know this, but yet and still you treat me like I'm some sac chasing, money loving hoodrat that wanna live off u for the rest of my life??? Chile kill that noise. It's PATHETIC how much you try and run away from the MAN in you. Running the streets like some wayward 19 year old BOY!

And after all this, i still love ur confundled ass. But I'm NOT waiting around for you to SHOW me you love me too. I'm gonna let you do you, and I'll do me, but honey don't get mad if someone else beat u to the treasure chest and mark the unclaimed territory. I love you still, and we'll always be friends no matter the land or water that divides us. You got something of mine that I'm gonna need back soon.

What is it? Glad you asked.
You have my <3.

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." ‑ 1 Corinthians 13:11

Love Chronicles: Got Me Going In Circles

Dear, POTS(Still aint ready to give up no names)
I really do care about you, and your future and the decisions that you make in your life. I don't want to see anything bad or "unfortunate" happen to you. I want you to live up to your FULL potential. However, I cannot compete with the streets. It's obvious 'she' is your FIRST love, but honey lemme tell you... SHE aint LOVING you back, and when shit hits the fan, you just another blk man that bit the dust. She is the QUEEN of conniving, deceit, and dishonesty. She is A TRAP! Nothing good will ever come out of running up in her.

It's time my dear for you to grow up and be a MAN! You told me if I stayed loyal to u then you would hold me close to ur heart. After 3 yrs my loyalty has never faltered. Even though I've left to protect my own heart, and then came back when I found out that it just wasn't beating the same without you. I still love u the same today, as I did 3yrs ago.

It hurts me how we are so close, but yet and still so far apart.

Please understand, I don't wanna change you, I just want you to GROW! And as far as other women are concerned... I'm the 80, and all of them together probably still don't equal that "20". No this is not me saying I'm willing to share you(b/c that will NEVER happen) but I do recognize that guys will be guys, and I'm not stupid, dumb, or naive.

I wish I could read your mind. I'm sitting here WISHING that I did not love you so much! Wishing that I could look at you how I would look at any other guy. But I can't, and I don't know why.

I feel like GOD is playing a cruel joke on me everytime we talk. It's the sweetest torture I've ever known.

"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" Matthew 16:26

Bleeding You

This Is me reciting my poem Bleeding You!


Hope you guys enjoy!!!!

Love Chronicles: This shit AINT a fairytale

*This note may or may not contain graphic material, profane language, and shit not suitable for minors <---- that's ur warning to hit the "back" button or the "red x" in the upper right hand corner..I'm very comfortable with who I am, the skin I'm in, and my sexuality...I'm human, I have hormones, I screw...all a part of the great cycle of life...get over it

If u read this I don't need u judging me..Shit I'm still trying to figure out what I'm gonna tell GOD when judgment day comes and he asks me about most of the dirt I'm doing...that's stressful enough*

******************************
soooooo....

My love life is completely in the PITS right now.. POTS(I'll tell u about this later) can't make up his damn mind on what the hell he wanna do, and I'm tired of waiting around. I played wifey for 2 1/2 damn yrs holding it down for his ass.....but that's a different Love Chronicles..continuing with the matter at hand.

-The Church boy, now it's already been pretty much established that we CAN'T be in a relationship. He is still stuck on his baby mama deeply hurt by whatever the hell she did to him, and I'm just not into mending broken hearts. you better call on the LORD for that because the shit aint in my job description(unless of course I'm the one that broke ur heart in the first place)...so anyway. Met him at school 22, really nice guy, except:
he don't know what he wants out of life,
and he's a homophobe.<--- I have GAY friends..and i LOVE my GAY FRIENDS!!!!

anywho..... Now I can tell that he's had some problems w/ alcohol abuse in his past, but i THOUGHT he was kinda over that..*eye rolll* I thought wrong.

This is why I THOUGHT he was through battling his alcohol addiction...He's a "reborn" or whatever kinda Christian..he just found Jesus and now his ass is majorly OVERCOMPENSATING(fucking annoying)..again *eye roll*. Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate a man with some religion, however don't go waving that shit around in my face like I'm trying to find some too. My PERSONAL relationship w/ the LORD is JUST FINE!!!

Anyway..the dude is a major backslider..which is ok, I aint judging him, but he's way too hard on himself, and he just has some issues that he needs to work on. Ex(which leads to the point of the story) few weeks ago we ALMOST had sex...actually we had started and then he STOPPED(out of nowhere) talking about "I'm waiting till marriage, this aint right, this don't line up with my new beliefs, and blah blah blah"..Needless to say I was effing pissed!!!!! Excuse you, I asked u if you were sure BEFORE we started and u kept putting it in..now u wanna stop BEFORE i get mine *lip smack*...BUT I kept it real cool, and was just like.."Ok that's fine"<---- I knew right then, it wasn't gonna work, I'm not interested in waiting..at least not until marriage.

Well we continued to date and everything because his convo was good, like I said before nice guy, just don't know what in the HAYLE he wants....

well last night(and he's sprawled out over my bed as we speak) he came over....intoxicated(this is important, remember this) Well I didn't know he was under the influence(he has bad breath and I wasn't trying to get that close)...well he pulled out a small bottle of liquor(ok no big deal) and then he started getting frisky...This is when my EMOTIONAL WALLS started to COME UP!!!!


HOLD THE FUCK UP........ ARE U GETTING FREAKY????
I calmly stated "don't tempt yourself, you're waiting until marriage remember"...then I got the whole *feigned surprise* "OH, I SAID THAT??" <---- yes nigga u did *PAUSE* This is him using ALCOHOL as an EXCUSE to get freaky...i bet he gonna wake up and say he don't remember

Now I'm thinking..this aint gonna be a repeat of the first time...he aint gonna get me hot and bothered and then stop because he found Jesus in the middle of our sexing(which I personally think he busted early and was embarrassed to admit it the first time, b/c nobody just friggin STOPS!!) Well he makes slick comments all night, and i brush them off completely..not gonna fool me again.

So bottom line..he gets me hot and bothered....we screw, he busts, he flushes the condom, and rolls over...all this within a 10 minute time frame...*PAUSE* YES I SAID IT 10 DAMN MINUTES....

Now... *sigh* I'm upset...notice the phrase HE BUSTS....that's singular...Where my nut at?? 10 minutes really??? and then we didn't cuddle but u spent ALL damn night in MY bed?? Sprawled the fuck out like u paying bills???I have a motto I live by: IF I DON'T CUM, IT DON'T COUNT!!!!!

He has life messed up..so I'm trying to figure out the nicest way to tell him that he needs to get the fuck up...I don't like him anymore, not interested in dating him, or being his girlfriend or none of that other shit...the sex ruined it....he was better off sticking by that bullshit ass "saving self for marriage" crap, cuz quite frankly ANY chance he had w/ me is now GONE out the window..by his actions from last night he demonstrated 3 things to me:
1) He can't handle me(he was in control for the most part, but soon as I started throwing it back....he choked)
2) He don't finish what he started(that goes back to me NOT getting mine)
3) He's not a man of his word( I didn't seduce him, he seduced me)

^^^^ I don't need none of this shit in my life
Now don't get me wrong...I'm not shallow..SEX IS NOT MY LIFE but it is a nice part of any intimate relationship..and I'm not ditching him b/c the sex was bad. I'm ditching him b/c his ass is tooo unpredictable for me, he pops up at my house...w/o callin before hand, and he aint bringing flowers
he still got something going on with the BM that I aint understanding..don't want to understand really, I took a chance and lost the bet... he's the perfect example of a package, that aint being delivered... his perfect chick is out there somewhere, but I aint it...

and so..the saga will resume
...to be continued

Love Chronicles:What all this is about

<<< Me & the ex
So what are the Love Chronicles?

Well, they are TRUE stories about my dating experiences..starting from my adult years.(my family would probably shit a brick if they knew about all my adolescent shit)

Well what are the Love Chronicles about??

Read and find out. However, my ultimate goal is to help other ladies on a quest for love. i wanna help them avoid all the mistakes I've made. Give you some helpful hints, food for thought, and a laugh, at my own damn expense...Just b/c I'm a good sport like that.

What do I hope to accomplish?? Nothing as far as these notes will go, except to have a peace of mind, b/c LORD knows by the end of the day these negroes be working on my everlasting nerves. And I need a better way to channel my emotions...besides I love to write.

How did the love chronicles come to be??? Well, I've dated many guys, I would like to think I'm an equal opportunity dater..I take the men as they come, if they pass my dating requirements, and if I like em' then we can potentially move on into a relationship... Well the problem is I'M NOT MAKING IT OUT OF THE DATING STAGE, AND IF I DO..THE RELATIONSHIPS ARE SHORT LIVED!!!! WTF??? Is it me? Am I defected or something??


The Love Chronicles will take you on a journey through my dating experiences EVERY SINGLE ONE until I've found my true love, or he has found me....This may take a while, but any good thing is worth the wait right???


With this being said...I believe in love, everlasting love, true love, forever love, old love, new love, love at first sight, computer love......whatever it's out there. My soul-mate is out there waiting to meet me >>>>>>in the middle<<<<<< to be continued....

Random Scribbles of a Pessimist Hopeless Romantic

Sometimes I wish I were a P A I N T E R so I could capture you in all your

Hues. Or a P H O T O G R A P H E R stealing pieces of your SOUL with every flash. Maybe a SCULPTOR instead, MOLDING U into what I see. But I'm a writer, I paint pictures with my words, capturing your soul in a verb, and MOLDING you within a STANZA

Newbie ;P

Hey you guys!!!
So yeah I'm PRETTY much just getting started on blogspot. I had another blog on another site but I deleted it b/c I didn't like their layouts.
So yeah anyway, I'm sarcastic, honest, outspoken, and a writer(mainly a poet) but I don't like commitments or boxes..so we'll just stick with a writer...
Umm, I'm single, and I do chronicle my love life. I guess I can move those posts from FB onto here now... yup so, that's about all for right now! I'm very entertaining and this is surely a blog you're gonna want to follow :D

OH AND I LOOOOVVVVEEEE BRIGHT COLORS!!!

Barbie Bitch

When I grow up
I wanna be ignorant.
I wanna answer to guys that approach me like
'yo shawty u real fly
and so wassup can I hit
I wanna be the ignant bitch,
you know the one that laugh and smile
and bite my bottom lip,
cuz I'm so happy that he treats me
just like the next chick.
But that’s all I can expect
Imitating girls like Nicki Minaj, Trina
And lil Kim,
I wanna be
Just like them!
WHEN I GROW UP I’M GONNA BE A FIVE STAR BITCH!!!
Gosh! I sing that song like I’m getting paid for it
I sing that song like I wrote that song!
And I don’t see nothing wrong
With not knowing that
Phenomenal Woman was a poem
written by Maya Angelou
I wanna be ignorant to my natural beauty and self esteem,
Im gonna be the most selfish thing.
I want prada, jimmy choos and bling
I want gold and DIAMOND RINGS!
And I’m willing to sell my pride for it,
Willing to disgrace
My race for it
As long as theres something there
To cover up the stench of my shit.
Maybelline, Loreal, Cover girl
What about that
Beautiful little girl?
That you’ve tried so hard to conceal
With your bronze concealer
And it will never be revealed that
you’re too smart for this
But ignorance is still bliss.
You just want your fifteen
Minutes of fame.
Lacking pride, dignity, and shame
So you’re happy
That you have 3 kids
With 3 different pappies.
And you’re in the club every week
Smiling, all the guys know you as the town freak
Singing GIMME DAT BECKY…
I heard you all the way down the street.
When I grow up
I wanna be ignant.
I wanna be so called “raping the government”
On all types of assistance,
27 with faith that
I’m still gonna be a supermodel someday
Nevermind the fact that
Welfare paying for
Yo kids to eat
While you outside
Giving him head in the backseat
Of his ride.
Oblivious of the fact your kids are watching you
Through the blinds inside.
And have the nerve wonder
Why yo daughter call herself “humping”
At the tender age of nine.
Can’t blame it on BET this time.
When I grow up
I wanna be ignant
I wanna be self absorbed
And vain,
Because it’s the easiest way
To numb the pain
Of the heartaches
And the heartbreaks
DD implants help me
Overcompensate
for not
being able to “conversate “
Intellectually.
And so I grew up
To be what I’ve always wished.
A BARBIE BITCH
Because ignorance
Truly is bliss.

©2009 Modia