If you MUST have a Holiday Party

Make sure that extra mothafuckas don't show up. That means TELL YOUR INVITED GUEST NOT TO INVITE THEIR FRIENDS! Makes for an uncomfortable situation... well if your me it does. *sigh* So I attended my friends Pre X-Mas party or whatever... anyway I checked the guest list 3 times before I left the house and once before I started this blog because there are certain people that they hang out with that I don't, and I'm the type of person..if I don't like you, I don't want to be around you PERIOD unless it's for business reasons, otherwise I catch a really STANK attitude.. *eyeroll* continuing... Well I checked the guest list and their lil slut ass friend was NOT invited...PERIOD! However, she came anyway. My guess is that our mutual friend *The Vegetarian PeaceKeeper* Invited her over.....

*crickets*

Now mind you.. there aint no secret that I do NOT like this girl, so for one of my friends to invite her to a holiday party that she was NOT invited to and not even inform me that they were extending an invitation to this maggot rabbit is completely beyond me! They know damn well I don't tolerate shit like that. And to add fuel to the fire this uninvited bitch had the nerve to bring her friend.... *blank-stare*

I'm so overdone by the shit... I left 10 minutes after I got there. Dropped off the cookies that I bought on the way over there mind you, and I said by goodbyes... I know, some people will say, "Well why did you let her make you leave?" yeah this goes beyond her. The party started at 8:30 I didn't get there till damn 10 something, and when I walked in these mofos was playing Nintendo 64... Mind you.. we're all 19-25... smh. I was just so done. A lil upset that I took a shower, wrestled with my mane(and being a Natural Beauty aint easy), picked out something cute to wear, bought some cookies, and scraped the frost off my car at 10 pm to go to a damn party for 15 mins.. My nostrils are so flaring right now.. I was so mad I went to Sonics. *eyeroll* I'm an emotional eater, I can give u a reason for everything I've eaten since last week. I only eat when I'm mad or sad... If I'm happy I can go for days without a meal.. yes crazy I know, but it's the truth. I need to work on that! *Sigh* anyway, I've calmed down a bit. And you know it's not that this girl showed up, it's that no one told me she was coming. They know I have to mentally prepare myself for situations like this, cuz I'm that chick that will sit back in a corner and talk about you to yo face and act like I didn't know you heard me.. I'm serious about that too. They are always pulling shit like this. Having me come over to cook for a "getogether" telling me who all coming, then inviting all these EXTRA mofo's that I don't care for to come eat the meal that I've prepared with love.... I absolutely hate it! And I wish they would stop doing that shit. Oh well, I'm declining invitations to all parties and get togethers for the rest of the year now.

Sex should NOT be Taboo!

So yes it's 5am and I am wide awake. Aint been to sleep yet, so why not write??? It's my gift! I have a right to use it...
Anyway so let's talk about S E X!o_0

I mean really, it's a subject that can't be avoided, and quite frankly.. I like to talk about it ;)

I'm single, very single, been single for a minute, and the reason being for the most part is if I choose to screw you on the first date, just know... I DON'T LIKE YOU! I hold out for guys I'm digging b/c the worst thing a man can do is give me a bad dose of penis... After that, there aint no bouncing back and I don't give a damn about your intellectual capacity, the fact of the matter is you can't fuck <-- I meant please me, and that's all I need you for. During our date, I will determine by your conversation and mannerisms what kinda guy you are. If you are the type that will leave a girl fiending or if you will leave a girl thinking. If I think you might be worth taking a tumble in the sack with then I'll do that. If you impress me, you can be my maintenance man, if you don't well you got to go. I have friends to hold intelligent conversations with, I have guys to date, people to buy me shit, I don't need you to do any of the above. Knowing your role is what it's called, and boo if you can't outperform the last then your understudy ass got to GO!
Now if I genuinely feel you to be an intelligent person, whom I can hold a conversation with, hang out with, take you home to the fam and all that good stuff, then don't expect any cookie ;). Not saying that I don't think you'll be able to give it to me right, just saying that I think you'll serve a more fruitful purpose in my life than ole Jody. That's just the way the cookie crumbles.
Call me whatever you like, but I'm a realist, and good dick don't make a guy relationship material. Honestly you can tell by a mans conversation if he's relationship material, but just b/c he might not make the best person to talk religion with, does not mean he's not good for making you speak in tongues *ASHAMALAYAMAKA* And believe me, I'm not turning down any potential chance to speak in other languages.. I like to think I'm a bit cultured.
But for the most part I think that society has blacklisted sex in the worst kinda way. I mean really, most people are absolutely appalled by the fact that I have one night stands and booty calls! They just cannot believe that a woman is treating guys like guys treat girls and I do so with no conscience, and no remorse. Honestly I believe that if women weren't stuck with labels like: hoe, slut, whore, and etc - more women would not be afraid to explore their sexual desires, disconnect their hearts from their vags and leave a bunch of guys STUCK ON STUPID!

That whole "women mistake sex for love" bullshit is just a defense mechanism used by most women because society says "if your screwing a guy you are not in love with you're oversexed, disrespecting yourself and you need to be put on a chain" oh well FUCK whoever feels that way. Times have changed, and though I'm not promoting promiscuity in any way, shape, or form, I'm a firm believer in GETTING YOURS! Just make sure you wrap it up. AIDS and STDs are just as much of a reality as SEX is.

Love Chronicles: Operation Cold Turkey

Everyone has their drug of choice, mines just happens to be a living, breathing, selfish motha sucka.. *sigh*... But you know what? I think it comes a times in every addicts life when they realize that their drug isn't so healthy for them, so then the next step is....

Treatment... But me, I'm too embarrassed to go to any "Im in love with a thug" meetings. What am I supposed to stand up in front of everybody and proclaim:

"Hello, my name is Modia, and I'm trying to leave this street nigga alone" or "Hi, I'm Modia, and I love an ex-con".....

yeah so none of the above scenarios are ideal to me. So what do I do? Well, I quit his ass COLD TURKEY! I've already deleted his number out my phone(which don't help much, b/c it's etched in my memory, but still it's a step) and I've just decided that I'm through with him!!!

I mean really? True love shouldn't hurt this much. It's not supposed to I'm sure of that, and I just can't live my life trying to prove to any man how much of an asset I am to him...it just doesn't make sense.

Now does this mean that I wish him harm? NO
Am I gonna quit praying for him? NO
Do i hate him? Absolutely NOT
I still care a great deal for him, and only time and space will remove the traces of him from my memory...hopefully, but I'm not gonna keep walking the streets fiending, and searching for a hit of HIM. He's destructive to the mass that once was me. Whenever he's around I completely lose myself, and I just wanna live for him. There would be nothing wrong with that except, he's not my husband, and he doesn't wanna live for me.

As much as it pains me that I can't have him, I'm going to be okay. Ultimately who's really losing out on a good thing? And I'm not gonna sit up here and make a list of what I have working for me, and what not b/c it's not about that. When it comes to matters of the heart- achievements, goals, material things, and wealth doesn't matter. Nothing matters except what you're willing to do to make things work. But love is a 2 way street. And I'm fed up with walking down this dead end.

I'm prepared for the withdrawals, I have my organic grapes(subbing for cookies and cream ice-cream, I'm on a diet) and lunchables on deck for when I feel the need to "eat" my problems away. My bottles of water and gatorade(giving up on the liq) and my chick flicks, for those nights that I just wanna blindly dial his number, and when I go home...well, I'll think of something, I've never been the type to be riding by folks house all damn day trying to see if they home or not, and I'm not gonna start now(that's that crazy chick shit). i just think I'll be cool, preoccupy myself with friends and family, enter quietly, and exist just as silently.

I'm gonna try to avoid him as much as possible. Which aint THAT hard, I just have to learn self restraint. It's hard for me to mask my feelings and emotions, I'm an expressive person, I guess I'll have to learn to be stoic to deal with him. *shrugs* it's life right? I just wish it didn't have to come to this. Me attempting so hard to pretend like he never even existed, and him probably not even giving a fuck. But then again, what drug actually cares about its clientele? When the last time a rock of crack asked a crackhead how his/her day was going???

My point exactly.

'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?”

Random Scribbles of a Pessimist Hopeless Romantic

Sometimes I wish I were a P A I N T E R so I could capture you in all your

Hues. Or a P H O T O G R A P H E R stealing pieces of your SOUL with every flash. Maybe a SCULPTOR instead, MOLDING U into what I see. But I'm a writer, I paint pictures with my words, capturing your soul in a verb, and MOLDING you within a STANZA