Dear Mama

Dear Mama,

I just wanted you to know that
I HATE YOU!
And that,
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
But I really wanna know why
You chose a crack pipe,
Instead of your children’s life
And why you can’t get some act right
And be apart or our lives.

How can you abandon me?
Your only girl…
Born April 15, on an Easter Sunday
Just five days before your own birthday.
Was I not precious enough?
Did I cry too much at night?

I survived all the shit
You put me through
Even while I was still in the womb.
All the drugs and alcohol,
That you continued to consume
While carrying me.
I’m a living miracle.

How could you hold me in your arms
This little bundle of joy
And then discard me,
Like I was nothing more than an old toy.

You layed down
You fucked
You created me,
Then you don’t want to step up
And take care of YOUR responsibility.

And how could you just let my life
Turn out the way it did.
Why didn’t you just get the DNA test,
To find out if I was really his kid?
Instead of just putting me off on his bitch ass
And having me grow up thinking that I was lesser than trash.
Because believe me when I say everyday of my life
He made sure I felt that way.

I couldn’t believe it when you told me
That I was self-absorbed.
After I told you that my daddy
Was molesting me you did nothing
Didn’t even take an initiative to get clean.
And when I told you my cousin was touching me
You did the same thing.
And when I told you I hated you
You said “I never knew you felt that way”
You didn’t know cause you were never fucking around.

Always making promises that you can’t keep mama
I never got a fairytale or a lullaby from you
To put me to sleep mama.
I blossomed from an ugly duckling to a Swan
And you missed every important developmental step in my life

You won’t see me the night I go to prom
You never saw me on the night of any of my dances
You never combed my hair
Or cooked me meals.
You won’t see me walk across the stage this year.
You missed my whole life…
Every birthday, every holiday…

Did you have any idea that I wrote poetry,
Or that sometimes I cry at night
Because I want to know why
You don’t love me.
Or how many times I blamed myself
For your addiction.
Did it ever dawn on you that
I just might need you…

I’m not asking you to write me a poem
Like BSavvy did for her daughter,
And I’m not asking you to buy me Beamer,
Like those spoiled kids on MTV…

I just want you to know me…
I just want you to love me…
I just want you to be there.

Dear Mama…I’m still your daughter..

P.S… I love you